Many people assume that because I am ordained in a Goddess Temple, that I don’t work with Male Deity. It’s not actually true! When I began my path, I was devoted to Bastet and worked with many deities from the Egyptian pantheon. During the time of studying and ordination, I had them all walk away and Freyja took the reigns. I was devoted to only Her. This was not my choice nor was it because of my studying and ordination. Rather it had to do with things taking place in my personal life. After about 4 years of monotheism and devotion to Freyja, I am still Hers. At this point in my life, I am Hers and She permits me to work with other deities. More often than not, a deity from my Germanic roots. She has made an exception for Mother Mary. Freyja can be jealous, it’s something many pagans like to ignore. Jealous deity? WHAT? But remember, this is my relationship with deity, your mileage may vary.
So why am I telling you all of this? Because about a year and a half ago, Heimdall made his presence known to me. It’s not a typical relationship by far. This is more of a protective big brother (in partnership with Loki, but that is a post for another day) type of relationship. Heimdall, for all of what we know of Him, is much more of a gentle giant rather than a burly Viking warrior. There is a compassion there that I apparently have needed. While working with Goddesses tend to feed my need for motherly love and compassion, Heimdall provides for me something that I had not had or even knew I needed. Masculine compassion.
It’s a shame that in the Norse mythology, we are often seeing the male Gods as warriors only. They wield huge axes, swords, and hammers, and proceed to battle it out with Frost Giants or whatever trickery Loki has been up to. But Heimdall presents, to me, something that I had lacked heavily as a child and as a woman. I distinctly remember this one meditation in which He came, He pulled me into His giant lap, and He held me. He granted me safe space I needed to release some hurt and pain that men in the past have given me. I have lived a life in which it has always been just me defending me. I have never had anyone, male or female, defend me or stand up for me. When I have had moments of needing someone to hold my hand, or even hold me so that I could feel what I was feeling…..I was left alone. I had become so jaded into believing that people were so uncaring, but that there must have been something wrong with me that no one could see me as a person who had emotional needs. That I wasn’t worthy of care and compassion. That for all the love and compassion I gave in the world, I just wasn’t special enough to receive it back.
I look at Heimdall and I see hope. Hope that we change how we view men and masculinity. That we allow men to express emotions freely. See tears. See their nurturing side. Stop perpetuating man as a warrior first and lover later. Allow men to define their own masculinity, rather than impose what we have been taught for thousands of years.
I invite you to sit with your male deities, if you are connected with any, and ask them to reveal their masculine compassion. Feel it, let them shower you with it, let them nurture you. It is not the same as feminine compassion, but it’s fulfilling all the same. Having both in my life is truly a blessing!